Hey! Thank you for sticking with me. I'm trying to quit my anti-anxiety/depression medication because they've been giving me nerve pains and screaming tinnitus, and now I'm in the part of my recovery where I still have all the side-effects and withdrawal symptoms, but none of the benefits, so I've been on an emotional bender the past week.
I sent personal monthly videos yesterday with exception of one :) and tomorrow I'll post a dance video.
The Story Behind This Shoot
This set was from last year when I made regular trips to Las Vegas. It was the middle of the summer, blazing hot, and the photographer wanted to shoot in an abandoned mine shaft and ACTIVE train tracks. The mine was super fun and gave me insane ankle strengthening exercises walking on broken limestone in stilettos. He really wanted to shoot me lying down on the train tracks, and I was nervous but agreed. We shot a little bit and I heard the train horn, "Whooooooo" and I told him I wanted to leave. He said, "No, no it's fine. I shoot here all the time. I know all about trains. I know the sounds. It's not close by. Let's keep shooting." And as an downtrodden little Asian women, I learned to defer to authority, especially since I need the money and sometimes photographers like to push or yell at me. So I kept shooting. "Whooooooo" The train was closer. I told him I was scared. I lived my whole life by a train. It's getting louder. I want to go. "No, no," he said, reasserting his train, field, and photography expertise. "WHOOO!" The train is eerily loud now. I said, "I can't do this. I need to go. I'm scared. I'm sorry." and I scampered off with my tail between my legs down the rocks below the tracks, defeated. Thirty seconds later,
Train roars by, shaking the earth and throwing up debris. My skull and my ribs are shaking from the tremors. I don't know if you've ever stood next to a freight train going at full speed, but it's a force to behold. After the train leaves, I look at the photographer, he's in a sweat, staring forward.
I really wish I grew up learning strength instead of weakness. It's common in many societies to teach children to obey and fear rather than to be strong and empowered. Many cultures routinely break their girls mentally like horses to teach them deference, submissiveness, and service to men, family, authority, anyone but themselves.
Modeling has been my journey to reclaim myself, to fully own myself, my body, my life, and my spirit. Many scary things have happened to me, instead of letting fear rule my life and in the home, I've approached these fears head on and learned strength and conviction in the process. Instead of growing up soft and weak, spoon-fed indoctrinations through a slotted wall, waiting for permission to live, I ran away and became a wild and feral thing. And I'm a better friend, lover, and artist for it. Thank you for being part of my journey!
What terrifying experience did you learn from?